About Me
- JesusFreak84
- 23, Theology major, female. Prone to random bouts of randomness. This is my main 100% public blog.
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Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Monday, April 25, 2005
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Friday, April 15, 2005
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
I'm powerless...
My family is falling apart. I can't be the savior, and I've lost the number for the One who can. I'm supposed to be the adult; how can I hold this together when I can't even hold my own mind together? The more I hear about what it's like when even just the other four Moerys are home, I fear more and more that we're getting too used to living apart physically as much as mentally and emotionally, and may eventually seek to make the situation permanent. I know I'm guilty of this--I've contemplated moving out and getting my own place up here many a time, and after graduation I still fully plan on doing so (though I'll probably spend that summer in Illinois to tie up any and all loose ends remaining there.) Michelle wants to go to college far enough from home to have an excuse to not go home if she doesn't want to, and Eileen...girl turned 12 years old today. At least Mom behaved herself today, for Eileen's sake. I called home twice, but couldn't get ahold of Eileen (first time she was at her drum lesson, second time, she'd gone to bed.) I'll try again sometime tomarrow.
Michelle is totally emotionally detatched, and ironically enough, a big way I can see it is that we're getting along alot better. I can't explain why...I guess you have to be there. I also fear I'm starting to do the same. I just don't want to react to anything anymore...if only my face were cast in stone, like it was before college. Didn't matter what I felt inside--I gave no one the pleasure of knowing.
This is totally the song of my life right now:
if you are near to the dark
I will tell you 'bout the sun
you are here, no escape
from my visions of the world
you will cry all alone
but it does not mean a thing to me
knowing the song I will sing
till the darkness comes to sleep
come to me, I will tell
'bout the secret of the sun
it's in you, not in me
but it does not mean a thing to you
the sun is in your eyes
the sun is in your ears
I hope you see the sun
someday in the darkness
the sun is in your eyes
the sun is in your ears
but you can't see the sun
ever in the darkness
it does not much matter to me
-----Emily Bindiger, .hack//SIGN
Oyasuminasai! / Guten Nacht!
Michelle is totally emotionally detatched, and ironically enough, a big way I can see it is that we're getting along alot better. I can't explain why...I guess you have to be there. I also fear I'm starting to do the same. I just don't want to react to anything anymore...if only my face were cast in stone, like it was before college. Didn't matter what I felt inside--I gave no one the pleasure of knowing.
This is totally the song of my life right now:
if you are near to the dark
I will tell you 'bout the sun
you are here, no escape
from my visions of the world
you will cry all alone
but it does not mean a thing to me
knowing the song I will sing
till the darkness comes to sleep
come to me, I will tell
'bout the secret of the sun
it's in you, not in me
but it does not mean a thing to you
the sun is in your eyes
the sun is in your ears
I hope you see the sun
someday in the darkness
the sun is in your eyes
the sun is in your ears
but you can't see the sun
ever in the darkness
it does not much matter to me
-----Emily Bindiger, .hack//SIGN
Oyasuminasai! / Guten Nacht!
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Monday, April 11, 2005
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Blech blech blech blech blech!!!!
I. Feel. Like. Crud.
Upset stomach, but that seems to have calmed down, and my mood is just in the toilet because I'm so scared I won't be able to come back to Aquinas. I will seriously have a nervous breakdown if I have to resume living at home full-time. ;_; Lonely as all get out because I just don't feel like anyone gets what it feels like to be me. I wouldn't chose it if I had the option. <_< I just want the school year to be over, but I do NOT want to go home to Illinois. I just wish I could live up here on campus and just keep swiping into Wege (I probably still have enough meals left to do it, too! =-P ) This time when I go home, Dad may well not be around often, if at all, to keep Mom at bay. She refuses to get her depression treated, or to even talk about it or admit to having it. She's convinced we all are the problem and if we would just cooperate and be productive and do this, that, whatever, then everything would be perfect, and any sane person could tell her that isn't true. I still feel like I'm being regarded as an adult only when it means that one of my parents doesn't have to do something anymore. Grrr...
I just want to curl up into fetal positon on my bed (pretend for a moment that would be physically possible for me without excruciating {sp?} pain...) and sob my little eyes out, but that wouldn't help any. I'm 20 years old---crying isn't going to convince my parents to let me stay here. Crying's not natural for me either. (Then again, neither is dreaming, and I'm doing that alot lately because the freaking pills are causing me to have more REM cycles than I've ever had before while sleeping. I'm not sleeping as deep as I did, so I feel rotten in the mornings.)
Stupid printer's still broke. An RTA fiddled with it for almost an hour. Got the cartages moving again, but now the computer thinks it's done printing a document when it hasn't at all. Grrr...
Softball game tomarrow. Not really up to it, but since I'm already missing Sunday for a Band rehersal, I feel I should be at this one. Not like I'm going to hit anything. <_<
Well, my focus is shot, so that's the end of this entry.
Guten Nacht!
Upset stomach, but that seems to have calmed down, and my mood is just in the toilet because I'm so scared I won't be able to come back to Aquinas. I will seriously have a nervous breakdown if I have to resume living at home full-time. ;_; Lonely as all get out because I just don't feel like anyone gets what it feels like to be me. I wouldn't chose it if I had the option. <_< I just want the school year to be over, but I do NOT want to go home to Illinois. I just wish I could live up here on campus and just keep swiping into Wege (I probably still have enough meals left to do it, too! =-P ) This time when I go home, Dad may well not be around often, if at all, to keep Mom at bay. She refuses to get her depression treated, or to even talk about it or admit to having it. She's convinced we all are the problem and if we would just cooperate and be productive and do this, that, whatever, then everything would be perfect, and any sane person could tell her that isn't true. I still feel like I'm being regarded as an adult only when it means that one of my parents doesn't have to do something anymore. Grrr...
I just want to curl up into fetal positon on my bed (pretend for a moment that would be physically possible for me without excruciating {sp?} pain...) and sob my little eyes out, but that wouldn't help any. I'm 20 years old---crying isn't going to convince my parents to let me stay here. Crying's not natural for me either. (Then again, neither is dreaming, and I'm doing that alot lately because the freaking pills are causing me to have more REM cycles than I've ever had before while sleeping. I'm not sleeping as deep as I did, so I feel rotten in the mornings.)
Stupid printer's still broke. An RTA fiddled with it for almost an hour. Got the cartages moving again, but now the computer thinks it's done printing a document when it hasn't at all. Grrr...
Softball game tomarrow. Not really up to it, but since I'm already missing Sunday for a Band rehersal, I feel I should be at this one. Not like I'm going to hit anything. <_<
Well, my focus is shot, so that's the end of this entry.
Guten Nacht!
Friday, April 08, 2005
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Weird Dreams...
I've been having some crazy dreams lately. Usually, I'm "dreaming episodes" of St. Tail or Prétear, like not episodes that actually aired, but just random stuff. Weirdness-dreaming in anime. I've been having strange dreams in general since I started the Zoloft. I've combed the medication's offical site over and again and I can't find whether this is supposed to happen. It's not a serious problem, but more than a slight nusance {sp?}. Maybe it's stress? No nightmares yet, but definatly dreams that I didn't like. Oye....
Listening to Japan-A-Radio as usual. Maybe I'll play some Anarchy Online before bed, but I have to call it a night early because I have my advising at 10:30AM tomarow. I'm bored. I finnished my CD200 homework at 1AM because I had nothing better to do.
I was suppoed to meet with Mr. Dooley from the CIS department today, but he had to cancel, so I'm meeting with him tomarrow after CD200. Tomarrow morning, I have to meet with Dr. Marko for my Theology advising. Fun, fun, fun. Hopefully, after this week I'll have a sturdy enough game plan in place to convince Mom to let me stay. Dad's convinced, but Dad is also usually persuaded by logic. Mom.... =-
Bis Spater!
Listening to Japan-A-Radio as usual. Maybe I'll play some Anarchy Online before bed, but I have to call it a night early because I have my advising at 10:30AM tomarow. I'm bored. I finnished my CD200 homework at 1AM because I had nothing better to do.
I was suppoed to meet with Mr. Dooley from the CIS department today, but he had to cancel, so I'm meeting with him tomarrow after CD200. Tomarrow morning, I have to meet with Dr. Marko for my Theology advising. Fun, fun, fun. Hopefully, after this week I'll have a sturdy enough game plan in place to convince Mom to let me stay. Dad's convinced, but Dad is also usually persuaded by logic. Mom.... =-
Bis Spater!
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Where words fail...
Music can pick up the slack. I'm listening to EWTN Radio right now, and they are playing the piece in my Current Music. We did this song my first semester here in College Chorus. At the time, I didn't really apprciate how beautiful the piece really is. Now, however, it fits perfectly. I'm going to snag the library's copy tomarrow and slap it onto my hard drive. (iTunes may have it, but I don't have enough in checking right now for that kind of thing.)
Just a lot of weird thoughts today, the biggest being "What's next?" I've been asking that question about almost everything these last few weeks. Kicked from the SoE, what's next? Mom doesn't want me to come back to Aquinas if I'm not going to be a teacher, what's next? What do I do with being half-done with college? Now the Pope's gone, what next? What next for the Church? I almost feel bad for the next Holy Father, because he has big shoes to fill. I really hope it's true what I hear, that the cardnals who are electing this next Pope are even more conservative than those who elected the late JPII. I fear some on the fringe of the Church may see John Paul's death as a good thing, because they feel that impediments to whatever, women/married priests, whatever, will be removed with a new Pope. I hope our new Pope is as wonderfully orthodox as JPII, and will stand firm against any and all that may try to attack the Church, seeing this time of transition as a moment of weakness.
I think this post, from a OneRocker, captures things well: http://hombre.diary-x.com/journal.cgi?entry=20050402
OK, my brain hurts and I need to make another round anyway (I'm at work.)
Bis Spater!
Just a lot of weird thoughts today, the biggest being "What's next?" I've been asking that question about almost everything these last few weeks. Kicked from the SoE, what's next? Mom doesn't want me to come back to Aquinas if I'm not going to be a teacher, what's next? What do I do with being half-done with college? Now the Pope's gone, what next? What next for the Church? I almost feel bad for the next Holy Father, because he has big shoes to fill. I really hope it's true what I hear, that the cardnals who are electing this next Pope are even more conservative than those who elected the late JPII. I fear some on the fringe of the Church may see John Paul's death as a good thing, because they feel that impediments to whatever, women/married priests, whatever, will be removed with a new Pope. I hope our new Pope is as wonderfully orthodox as JPII, and will stand firm against any and all that may try to attack the Church, seeing this time of transition as a moment of weakness.
I think this post, from a OneRocker, captures things well: http://hombre.diary-x.com/journal.cgi?entry=20050402
OK, my brain hurts and I need to make another round anyway (I'm at work.)
Bis Spater!
Cut and paste from my last LJ entry
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![[info]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
biogeek500 and I played DDR for half an hour, and I got two firsts and a second! (Yeah, yeah, frankencow, you could still kick my butt. =-P)I am offically happy with the Wege workers, because at dinner today they put on CNN and put a sign on the TV to not change the channel. ^_^ Watching the news show on EWTN right now. I'll go to bed when it's over. I have work tomarrow, though I don't have a super-amount of homework to do. Methinks I'll bring some manga to read.
Keep praying for the Holy Father. The Vatican seems to believe the Holy Father can go any moment now. Dad sent me an e-mail about it, just some thoughts, and I replied.
That reminds me. I think there's a bug in the voicemail system, because my parents were mad at me for not calling them back, and I didn't get what they were talking about, and just this afternoon, messages they left last night arrived in my box, so I don't know what's wrong there. Just what I need.
Also, Asuka Jr. has a small hole in his tail-fin, and I fear it may be the beginning of fin rot. Fin rot was the beginning of the end for the first Asuka, because he got 2 fungi right after he got that. Sadness. ;_;
OK, show's over, I'm off to sleep.
Guten Nacht!
Friday, April 01, 2005
Pretty much what I'm feeling.
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Lyrics: Ayumi Hamasaki Composer: CREA + DAI Arranger: Naoto Suzuki
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sakushi: hamasaki ayumi sakkyoku: CREA + DAI henkyoku: suzuki naoto
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