I'm powerless...

My family is falling apart. I can't be the savior, and I've lost the number for the One who can. I'm supposed to be the adult; how can I hold this together when I can't even hold my own mind together? The more I hear about what it's like when even just the other four Moerys are home, I fear more and more that we're getting too used to living apart physically as much as mentally and emotionally, and may eventually seek to make the situation permanent. I know I'm guilty of this--I've contemplated moving out and getting my own place up here many a time, and after graduation I still fully plan on doing so (though I'll probably spend that summer in Illinois to tie up any and all loose ends remaining there.) Michelle wants to go to college far enough from home to have an excuse to not go home if she doesn't want to, and Eileen...girl turned 12 years old today. At least Mom behaved herself today, for Eileen's sake. I called home twice, but couldn't get ahold of Eileen (first time she was at her drum lesson, second time, she'd gone to bed.) I'll try again sometime tomarrow.

Michelle is totally emotionally detatched, and ironically enough, a big way I can see it is that we're getting along alot better. I can't explain why...I guess you have to be there. I also fear I'm starting to do the same. I just don't want to react to anything anymore...if only my face were cast in stone, like it was before college. Didn't matter what I felt inside--I gave no one the pleasure of knowing.


This is totally the song of my life right now:

if you are near to the dark
I will tell you 'bout the sun
you are here, no escape
from my visions of the world
you will cry all alone
but it does not mean a thing to me

knowing the song I will sing
till the darkness comes to sleep
come to me, I will tell
'bout the secret of the sun
it's in you, not in me
but it does not mean a thing to you

the sun is in your eyes
the sun is in your ears
I hope you see the sun
someday in the darkness

the sun is in your eyes
the sun is in your ears
but you can't see the sun
ever in the darkness
it does not much matter to me

-----Emily Bindiger, .hack//SIGN


Oyasuminasai! / Guten Nacht!